One Idea. Five Sentences. No Zombies.

We've covered perceptual fluency, structure and word choice. Now we're getting to the level where most thesis writing actually breaks down: sentences and paragraphs.

This is where the zombie prose lives.

LEVEL 3: SENTENCES

A lot of students ask me: how do I actually know when my writing is passive versus active? Here is the most concrete way I can explain it. 

In active voice, there are people in your sentences doing the action. Researchers conduct studies, collect data, report findings. 

In passive voice, studies are conducted, data are collected, findings are reported. By who? We're not sure. Could be zombies, right?

THE ZOMBIE TEST

That's actually a useful diagnostic. If you can add "by zombies" to the end of your sentence and it makes grammatical sense, you've got a passive construction.

- "Informed consent was obtained... by zombies”. Passive.

- "A significant relationship was found... by zombies”. Passive.

- "The research assistant obtained informed consent..." Does not work with zombies. Active.

A couple of examples…

"A significant reduction in cortisol levels was demonstrated to have been produced by the mindfulness intervention when pre- and post-treatment measurements were compared across the experimental and control conditions."

vs.

"The mindfulness intervention reduced cortisol levels more than the control condition."

And another:

"An examination of the data was conducted and a determination was made that the administration of the intervention had resulted in the facilitation of significant improvement in participants' emotional regulation capacities.

vs.

"We examined the data and found the intervention improved emotional regulation."

The active versions aren't just shorter. They're clearer. The reader doesn't have to work hard to extract the meaning.

WHAT TO LOOK FOR

When you're revising, scan for:

- "was" and "were": often signals passive voice

- "by": usually confirms it ("was found by...", "were tested by...")

- "-tion" and "-ment" endings

Words with -tion or -ment suffixes are what Helen Sword calls "zombie nouns" aka nominialisations. They are verbs that have been turned into nouns. Investigate becomes investigation. Implement becomes implementation. Measure becomes measurement. They go hand-in-hand with passive voice and drain the energy out of your writing.

When you spot a passive sentence, put the subject back in. Find out who is doing the thing, and make them do it.

(Helen Sword's YouTube video on zombie nouns is worth watching).

LEVEL 4: PARAGRAPHS

Topic sentences are the most important lever you have to create perceptual fluency. They're also where student writing most commonly falls apart.

Each paragraph should contain just one idea and you should give that idea away upfront in the topic sentence. The rest of the sentences in each paragraph should provide the three Es: evidence, examples, and/or explanation.

The 1:5:25 rule is a useful idea. One idea per paragraph, around five sentences, no more than 25 words per sentence. It's not a rigid rule, just a useful check. If your paragraph runs to 12 sentences, it probably contains more than one idea. If your sentences regularly exceed 25 words, you are asking your marker to hold a lot in mind as they read. 

THE GOLDILOCKS EFFECT

I find topic sentences are a bit like Goldilocks and her porridge, often too hot (specific) or too cold (general).

Too specific: "A study conducted by Phillips et al. (2015) found that participants aged 65-86 performed significantly worse than younger groups on tasks assessing comprehension of sarcastic exchanges." 

This topic sentence summarises the results of a particular study, it doesn’t capture the point of a paragraph.

Too general: "Much research has investigated social cognition in older people." 

This topic sentence tells us nothing more than research has been done. 

Just right: "As we age, our ability to understand how other people are feeling and what they are thinking declines." 

This topic sentence makes a claim about a portion of the literature. Everything that follows, is evidence for that claim.

THE TOPIC SENTENCE PARAGRAPH

Here's the exercise I'd encourage you to try right now if you have a draft.  Pull it up and cut and paste only the first sentence of each paragraph into a new document. 

Do those sentences when read together, tell a coherent story? Does each one follow logically from the last? Does your topic sentence paragraph read like a summary of your argument?

If the answer is no, or not quite, your paragraphs (and specifically your topic sentences) need work. 

This post is part of the Make the Moves Your Marker Expects series from Reveal Research. Head to revealresearch.org for upcoming workshops.